By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC

I don’t know if you’ve noticed it, but there’s a lot of people out there who could benefit from counseling. Oh, I’m not just talking about the crazy folks you see on the road or at Walmart. I’m referring to the ones you know, the ones in your family and your home. And although we could be talking about all kinds of reasons for needing counseling, I want to look specifically at those who struggle with some form of anxiety. Anxiety is a big deal in America – like affecting at least 40 million people type of big deal! A website called CalmClinic.com has compiled the data from the National Institute of Mental Health and concluded that only 42% of those with a diagnosable anxiety disorder ever pursue treatment – or counseling! It seems there is a sad irony here – because of course one of the most influential reasons that folks do not seek out help is because they are afraid – or anxious – about going to counseling. So here is my list of the top reasons people don’t take advantage of getting the help that they need.

1. I’m afraid that the counselor will hurt my feelings.

This anxiety is about someone fearing that when they open up about their issues that they will not be treated sensitively or with empathy, but instead will experience ridicule, or criticism or maybe harsh instructions on how to stop or change. Why do they have this fear? Because it has happened to them! They have found that when they opened up to someone in the past that they got a shallow uncaring response, or were misunderstood, or worse, laughed at or run over. And so now they believe that is how people in general will respond. I get it! But counselors are trained to not do this. It wouldn’t be counseling if they did!

2. I’m afraid that it won’t work.

This fear is about the times when someone has made attempts and been disappointed by the result or maybe experienced failure. And so they fear trying. But you and I know it is better to have tried than to stay stuck. What is more hopeless than having no prospect of a better tomorrow?

3. I’m afraid it will make things worse.

Sometimes people fear that counseling will open up these “barn doors” that they have worked so hard to shut tight, and that if they allow them to be opened up that they won’t be able to collect them and put them back again. They may feel some level of control over their emotional or psychological world and fear that they will lose what they have or regress. Of course, it is also likely that the control they have established is tenuous, and that they could, with counseling help, have something much more stable.

4. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do what is expected of me.

This is about a fear of not being able to perform or achieve – based on the sense that their progress is “all on them”. These folks put lots of pressure on themselves – hence their high level of anxiety. They feel they must make it on their own and fear needing help.

5. I’m afraid I won’t live up to my counselor’s (or others) expectations of me.

This is about the need for acceptance and the fear of not being able to get it, or to be good enough. When someone struggles with this, they will struggle with it everywhere, including trying to please their counselor. But they will certainly worry about the people in their life, believing they are waiting for them to “improve”. They will be anxious about the notion of time and the speed at which they make progress.

6. I’m afraid of what people will think of me for needing counseling.

This is the fear of being judged for going to counseling. It comes from the cultural conception that people who go to counseling have something “wrong” with them. Although, what if the very opposite is more accurate – that those who avoid counseling or ridicule counseling are the ones who are immature and in need of growth and help?

7. I’m afraid of dealing with my past.

Whoa, this is a big one! Dealing with the past scares a lot of people. And our culture heavily trains us in believing that it is better to forget the past and just move on. It is true that dealing with the pain of the past is not easy. But it is not better to bury it. Buried things stink and fester; they don’t get better by just lying there. This can be difficult but very significant and freeing work.

8. I’m afraid of pain.

This fear could stem from number 7 or 9. But this person believes that they cannot handle or face the pain they anticipate. They believe that pretending that the pain is not there, or shoving it from their conscious awareness is all that is necessary to get on with life. I’m afraid that they deceive themselves.

9. I’m afraid of change.

Change does carry a certain amount of uncertainty with it, and for many that means something quite bad. This is the fear of losing control, or more honestly, of discovering our lack of control. Most of us settle into routines and fixed expectations that give us a sense of control and peace. They are mirages that have lured us to sleep. I’m not suggesting that security is bad. But I am saying that change is not the harbinger of doom that many make it out to be.

10. I’m afraid of finding out I am crazy.

This is driven by the fear that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. This could mean that I don’t want to find out that I have some kind of mental health disorder. Some believe that if they don’t identify it, then maybe it isn’t real. This is related to fear number 3; that if they see a counselor that something about them will be revealed or brought into reality and that revealing will make things worse. But, let me just say that bringing things into the “light” is never something to fear. That is how things can be addressed, healed and changed for the better. It is the darkness that is oppressive, not the light.

There are lots and lots of people who are right now struggling with anxiety and fears and high levels of stress and worry. If you know someone who is struggling and you’ve identified one or more of their reasons for avoiding counseling, I encourage you to discuss it with them. Help them to process through their misconceptions. Sometimes just talking about it can be enough to lower the anxiety level so that that may be more willing to give counseling a try. That’s a big deal, because often getting started is the biggest hurdle. Once someone gets the courage to finally come in, they find out that it’s not the scary or intimidating or useless experience that they thought it would be. Instead, it’s good, really good. And they wonder why they hadn’t begun earlier.

And, if you identified yourself in this list, I hope you are encouraged that you are not alone! And that you can be understood and cared for well. You don’t have to stay stuck. Counseling really can help you. I can’t say that it won’t be challenging or that it won’t provoke anything or that you’ll immediately experience relief. But I can say that I believe it will give you a chance to have a better future – to give you hope.

That is certainly my desire for you.

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