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What If Your Valentine’s Days Have Become Boring? Here’s 3 Ways to Fight it
By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC
We’ve all seen enough movies to have a glamorous view of the heights of romantic love. And many of us have had that experience of falling into the heady swoon of being caught up in love. But then, you get married. I’m kidding, although there is sort of a ring of truth in that as well, isn’t there?
There are all kinds of reasons for this change, some good and some not so good. Some of the reasons are just due to stages of life, like having children for instance, and some are surely due to outside factors and stress level. Let’s take a look at some of the common causes and then review how you can combat then.
- Life is really busy, and stressed filled and romance falls by the wayside, or I just don’t have the energy to pursue it.
- We have small kids. Duh! We can barely make it through it each day.
- There are resentments or disappointments between us.
- Circumstances that interfere, like losing a job, dealing with an addiction, needing to help an aging or ill relative, or health issues and lots more.
Fairly often more than one of these factors will be combined. Stress will certainly sap your energy. But if you have some unresolved relational resentment hanging around as well, then your motivation for romance will be shrunk to almost nothing. How about if you feel that your spouse is not meeting your needs, or they don’t understand you, or pay enough attention to you? There are things here that go beyond just stifling romance; they may be undermining your relationship and leading you to drift apart. Let me offer three categories that may be undermining romance and what you can do about it.
- Expectations
Some of the causes we’ve looked at involve life change or stages of life. You may need to face that at least temporarily that this is the way life needs to be. If you had to take in a aging family member that prevents the freedom and space you use to have for connection and romance, then accepting this reality will be emotionally healthier for you. If you and your spouse have simply gotten older and your or their libido or physical abilities have changed, then accepting these realities will be emotionally healthier for you. The point is that romance through the life cycle doesn’t look the same as when we were 25 or even 35. And acceptance does not resignation or defeat. Acceptance means to realize our limitations and make adjustments to live within them, rather than fight it and try to hang on. When we make these adjustments in our outlook, we will be able to find and appreciate what is available to us in this new stage of life.
- Stress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frankly, I’m trying right now to think of anyone I know who isn’t stressed in their life. Stress seems like the normal American condition these days. And I think that because of that we’ve simply learned to accept it. But that sets us up to not bother reevaluating things or seeking changes – meaning point two is the flip side to point one. If point one is about acceptance, then point two is about non acceptance. Don’t just accept the level of stress that you are under. I realize there can be times when we are under a deadline or in crisis when there are no other options but to plow ahead. But these really should be temporary.
You know this right – stressors build up. And the stuff you thought you could handle (and were handling at the beginning), are now just one of 8 or more bowling balls in your backpack. You betcha lugging that amount of stress around will affect you. That’s about all the stress hormones that your brain is dumping into your body. It will affect your ability to concentrate, to think clearly, your decision making, and your memory. I call it being cognitively compromised. And when you are compromised like this it will affect your energy and motivation for relationships as well as your state of mind and how you come across.
All that means that you need to make yourself take a step back. This is probably the hardest part, right? To get yourself to stop and collect yourself. You need this slow down period to give your brain a chance to get out of this mode so you will have the ability to think more clearly. Then, use it. Start thinking creatively, strategically, about trimming from your to do list, enlisting some help, delegating where possible, or shifting your expectations.
- Resentments, hurts or misunderstandings
The third way we can become bored of romance is due to relational discord between the couple. And it doesn’t have to be over big stuff. We could simply be wounded by the fact that my spouse doesn’t pick up their dirty clothes or forgot to text me when they got held up and were going to home late. The reason for this is because these “little” things are really about how we interpret their meaning. When we perceive them as uncaring or rude or even intentional we are going to feel slighted or mistreated. And we will as a result be less motivated to give – to move towards that person. We may nurture an expectation that they need to shape up before we will feel okay about moving towards them (now we are talking about trust). Or we may end up resigning ourself to a conclusion that they don’t care enough about me or that they won’t change and so I give up.
The other side of all this are the things that either have been bigger offenses, or the situation where your spouse is doing hurtful things with intent. Maybe you’ve gotten into game playing in which you both have stored up resentments and take jabs at each other? Maybe it’s gone on so long that neither of you is aware of this dynamic operating? And so this is going on and yet you don’t get why you guys aren’t more affectionate and romantic towards one another. You see, sometimes we just bury this stuff. Oh, maybe we’re trying to be magnanimous and just move on. When in reality, I haven’t let go of it. Or maybe they keep doing it (whatever it is). And by the way, you are likely doing some “it”s as well.
In this case, what you guys need is some old fashion forgiveness. But that will require you both to dig around inside you first and figure out what you have been bothered about and then to come and express this to one another. But here’s the key. You have to change how you express it. Because you have been expressing, but often not in constructive ways. This time you need to express how you have felt without accusations or requirements for them to change, or threats or whining. Just simply – when this happens I’ve felt this way and thought this way. Here’s how I wish it would go. You get vulnerable. You express your longings. We can’t change other people, but we can invite people to know us and love us.
If you can adjust your expectations, lower your stress build up, and address your resentments, I bet you and your spouse will see an improvement in your connection to one another.
And that may just lead to a non-boring Valentine’s Day next year!
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Loneliness in Marriage
By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC
Loneliness can show up just about anywhere. There are the places that we expect it and we feel for those who are there. When it’s us we are comforted by the expectation; that is, that it seems about right to be feeling what we are feeling, given the particular circumstances. But then there are times when we really don’t expect it and we don’t know what to make of it. It flies in the face of our expectations, even after we have been married for some time. And what if it’s your marriage?
What if your expectations for your marriage have not been met? What if you fell in love and felt the thrill of finding the person that you could spend the rest of your life with? What if you went into this with your whole heart, ready to become one with someone, walk through life with them and “never be alone again”?
Life is hard. It’s even harder to do alone and many feel a longing in them to find someone to walk with, to have their back, through thick and thin. Someone they can depend on. Someone who accepts them for who they really are. Someone to entrust themselves to and commit themselves to. Think of the traditional marriage vows – to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Yes, there’s a reason why these vows have been around so long. They are attractive, even in a world where these conceptualizations of traditional marriage are being eroded and undermined. Many people act as though they don’t really want this idea of traditional marriage. However, what they are actually rejecting is not the idea of a dependable, safe, life-long attachment, but rather they are for the most part rejecting the idea that it is possible. It doesn’t mean they don’t want it; it means they are scared – scared to hope for it, scared to commit to it, scared to be let down… and then what?!
The point is we are all longing to be connected to someone in a safe, secure, supportive manner and we are all, to some degree, afraid. These needs and fears do not disappear when we get married. Actually they usually intensify. In the first year or so of my marriage, my wife later told me that she would often fear that I was going to be in a car accident or something would happen to me. You see, as we strengthen the bond, the longings and the fears surrounding our needs for security, connection, and permanence will be aroused and will fairly often rise to the surface. These longings are normal. They are part of our human nature. And they can play a big part in our struggle with loneliness.
Loneliness doesn’t come into a marriage suddenly. It creeps in. In the beginning, we probably sought to engage our spouse. We moved towards them. We invited them into our world, through talking, through play, through shared experiences, through sex. Maybe they responded at first. Maybe there was conflict, or misunderstanding, or maybe the partner was not as available as you wanted or expected? Maybe you discovered that the two of you were more different than you had known at first? Maybe you learned things about your spouse’s personality or habits that rubbed you the wrong way? Maybe stressors showed up and one or both of you had difficulty coping with them effectively? The result was that one or both of you did not feel as close as you had, or one or both of you were hurt by the other, and then one of you began moving away rather than towards the other.
Marriage is not about cause and effect. It’s actually more reciprocal – meaning it’s not about what the other person does, but rather how what they do causes a certain response in me, which in turn causes a certain response in them and so on. The temptation is to search for a cause or in other words, focus on blame. It’s a dead end in most cases. When one partner begins to distance themselves emotionally, it doesn’t mean that they started it. They likely did so because they sensed that the other had pulled away in some way first. When the shift occurs and we begin to look at our spouse through the eyes of self protection, we are in trouble. We see our spouse as not so safe, not so secure, not so dependable anymore, and we begin to scrutinize, maybe become demanding, maybe hide our selves.
This lends to the spouse either attacking or pulling away in response. This dynamic is surely going to lead to someone feeling rejected, abandoned and lonely.
Feeling lonely is always related to expectations. If a partner had not expected a certain degree of closeness, intimacy, or mutuality, then they would not feel so hurt, abandoned, rejected or lonely. This is not to suggest at all that longings for intimacy, security and dependability are foolish or wrong. Not at all! The problem is not the heart, but the expectations. Remember that longings are normal and are part of the normal functioning of our human nature. However, what we do with our longings is that we convert them into expectations for a degree of intimacy, permanence, closeness, and yes, perfection that marriage cannot bear and was not designed for.
Marriage is designed to be the closest relationship we will ever experience on earth; the place where we can bare our souls, be our truest, messiest selves yet be accepted and known, and reciprocate that with another. However, the truth of the matter is that our longings are even bigger than that. We long for more than the best, most intimate relationship this earth can provide. Why? Because God designed us for a perfect relationship; an intimate relationship with our creator. Marriage can’t beat that. It is supposed to point us to it. How does it do that? Through our unfulfilled expectations and yes, through our loneliness.
The answer to loneliness in marriage is not to try and fill our hearts with something else, or to numb, suppress or shame our heart’s ache. It is definitely not to go searching for it in another person, believing that if we could just find the right person to love or understand us better that we would then have our expectations finally met. Now, note that abusive and immoral situations do not apply here. A victim of abuse must not just settle for their situation – by no means – they must get help!
What then is the solution? First, look to the only one who can truly satisfy your heart, and who is completely dependable – Jesus. Come to an understanding about the expectations you have placed on your spouse that were unhealthy and unrealistic, and replace them with healthier ones. This certainly is not a recommendation to give up your longings for connection, closeness and dependability. We were made for such longings in a human capacity as well. It is about separating out the longings for God and the appropriate longings for a human relationship.
Of course, there is still a need to figure out how to approach the issues of your marriage. With God’s help, identify the true cause of the loneliness. Is it that there have been hurtful actions, choices, betrayals or lies? Is it that there have been misunderstandings, stressors, distractions, and disappointments in one another? How about criticalness, resentments being stored up, and unresolved wounding? If so, what needs to happen? Most likely there will be a need for each of you to take turns expressing your feelings, to be real about things that have been stored up, to really hear your spouse, take responsibility for your part and make apologies, and then to work out new ways of communicating. Since in most cases there wasn’t one person to blame, there also isn’t one person who needs to go first in this process. Is it risky and scary? Sure. That is usually how we reach the kind of intimacy, closeness and dependability that we appropriately long for on this earth.
Let your heart’s longings direct you to God. And then work hard on the marriage, getting help whenever you need it!
If you would like to make a counseling appointment with Matt, call 407-647-7005
Reprint Permission– If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
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I Love this post from my friend and colleague on intimacy! Enjoy !
3 Ways to Improve Your Communication and Your Relationships
Matt W. Sandford, LMHC
Conflict, arguments, tiffs, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, angry words, cold stares, sighs, rolling eyes, sarcastic rebuttals, grunts, stomping off, the silent treatment and so much more. If you’re in or have ever been in a relationship you know what I am talking about. No relationship is immune to communication challenges. My goal is not to actually remove them completely either. One, that would be unrealistic, and second, I believe that conflict can be productive. You see, conflict can be about two people working towards understanding and intimacy. However, in order for it to be productive, we need to address some of the obstacles to productive communication. I will provide some guidelines on three common stumbling blocks, however, bear in mind that there are other types of communication issues. The principles behind these guidelines are that we all long to be understood and that we all long to feel safe. Managing these two fundamental needs often leads to obstacles to productive communication.
- Prove That You’re Listening
And I don’t mean to say loudly, “I heard you already!” What this means is that sometimes conflict and miscommunication comes from one or both parties not attending to the other. When that happens, whether it’s because of distractions or disinterest or resentment, the other feels rejected, and sometimes the focus of the conversation shifts to this inattentiveness – off of the initial subject. And now things can get complicated, as the rejected person feels they have another grievance to address. If you feel someone is interrupting you, ask them politely to wait, explaining that you don’t want to miss what they want to tell you. You have now begun to demonstrate to them that you want to attend to them and have communicated respect. Next comes eye contact (when the situation permits – things like phone conversations and while driving do not apply). Again this communicates your attention and shows that you value the person (even if your value of the content is not very high). This may be something you need to choose to do, even if you don’t want to, for the sake of the person. As the person talks, be aware of your thoughts and practice reducing one thing and increasing another. That is, reduce the interruptions you are tempted to make and increase the responsiveness concerning the content. Responsiveness can involve anything from offering an editorial like “that’s cool!” to asking a question like “so, what was that like to have him apologize to you?”
2. Identify your contribution
Often when things are not going so well relationally, we become defensive. We dig in our heels, point fingers and make excuses. Well, other people do that, I mean. Okay, I do it, too. Of course I do it, too. We’re conditioned to protect ourselves. And that’s what it feels like – protecting ourselves from an attack. And sometimes an attack is what it is. Although that also means that sometimes it isn’t. And we probably often respond the same way whether it is or isn’t an attack. Because sometimes when there is conflict, it isn’t just criticism; it’s someone attempting to address an issue. When someone is simply attacking you, yeah, take care of yourself (although they still may be providing valuable feedback, with poor delivery). At other times we may be quick to defend and so miss a chance to receive love of a different kind. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” It’s much like when someone tells you your fly is unzipped (men) or when you have something in your teeth. It’s feedback that is uncomfortable, but you appreciate it because they have saved you from embarrassment. When someone brings to light a flaw we have, we may feel rather uncomfortable or annoyed. And yet, being made aware of it is to our benefit (Proverbs 19:20). So when someone brings a grievance, hold back on the excuses and consider what is being presented. Ask clarifying questions, like a detective seeking out the truth. Be curious about how you have affected the other person. And if you can find something that you can own up to and acknowledge it to the person, you will have shown that you value their input and are willing to receive love. What this does long term is set up a relationship that is willing to give and receive honest feedback from each other, which means it goes a long way when it is your turn to express a grievance. On the other hand, if you find that this person is not seeking to give honest feedback for your betterment, well, that takes us to point three.
3. Speak Your Heart
Sometimes you are the one who has been misunderstood or hurt or wronged. How do you usually handle it? Are you more prone to use the martyr approach, where you decide to let it slide and not say anything (maybe nursing the resentment, often without even realizing you are doing it)? Might you tend towards the openly resentful type, who plots out how they will get satisfaction by helping the other person to know “how it feels”? Or maybe you are more the blast them type, making sure that the person won’t get away with it and will learn to respect you from now on. I’m sure there are a number of other approaches and types as well. But whatever type you tend towards, how do you feel about your approach? Does the way you handle your grievances bring about resolution of the problem and grow the relationship? If not, would you like to begin a new way that would do those things or at least have a higher success rate?
The “way” I want to propose involves speaking your heart. Now in order for someone to express their heart they need to know what is going on in their heart. I believe this is often what is lacking in some of the previously mentioned, common approaches, which is why they are ineffective (besides often wounding the other person and increasing misunderstanding and a host of other damages). So, what is involved in knowing your heart? In this context, it consists of asking ourselves what we are feeling about the event that upset us, what are our thoughts and perceptions about the event and what are our beliefs related to the event? At first, this process will take some time to sift through, and so I recommend requesting a time-out period in which to assess your heart and prepare to express it. Making this request in a respectful way will go a long way towards preparing the other person to be receptive. And receptive is what you really want. I know when you are upset you feel sometimes like what you want is to vent, to attack, to berate, or to win. But, let me assure you, beyond those short-term wants, you long-term want is to be heard. So, one way you could ask for this is something like this: “There is something that you said (or did) that is bothering me. I would like some time to collect my thoughts and then I would like to share it with you so that we could work it out. How about …” and then you offer a time to meet again.
Self Assessment
Next, you’ll want to get away from distractions and begin asking yourself some questions about what you are feeling and thinking about the upsetting event. Explore what about the event bothered you. Wonder to yourself if this experience is one you have felt before, and see if the feelings connect to familiar thought patterns and beliefs in you. What you are attempting to do is bring up from your subconscious into your consciousness the meaning of this type of experience. Often, understanding ourselves more deeply just involves being willing to patiently explore ourselves, without blame or judgment. The goal is understanding, which I believe is impossible to accomplish while holding a judgmental, condemning attitude. If you encounter self criticism that you are unable to put aside, you may need to seek some help to address this issue so that you can deepen your self understanding. After you have gained more clarity on how this experience has upset you, you now have what you want to bring back to the person.
Expressing your Heart
When we have a grievance, a hurt, a disappointment with someone, I believe we long to be heard. We have been misunderstood in some way, and there was a loss of connection, a sense of alienation. And healing involves re-connecting: being understood in the place where we had been missed. Because this is the soil where apologies can grow and forgiveness can take root. When someone gets how their words or actions impacted us, then if they care about us, they will be agreeable to apologize. So we make this our goal. When this is our goal we will dare to tell how their words or actions had adversely affected us. In essence what we are doing is opening our heart – opening up to the one who misunderstood or wounded us. That sounds rather scary, doesn’t it, which may be why you have learned to adopt one of those other approaches instead. And why it may be rather difficult to lay your style down. But this is “the way”.
Begin by identifying the offense. When this happened or when this was said. Then follow with an “I” statement – meaning – “I felt” or “I was hurt or angry or disappointed because…”. Give space for the person to consider what you have presented or ask clarifying questions. If the other person becomes defensive or belittles what you have shared, you could begin the process all over, explaining that they said something that bothered you and you need time to collect your thoughts. Or, if you think you can, you could try to stick to the process right there and respond with an “I” statement, something like, “when you say… I feel like you are belittling what I am offering.” Generally, the idea in fair fighting is to stay on the issue. But in this case, if the other person cannot receive feedback from you, then that needs to become the primary issue, otherwise how can you work on issues? This approach should get you both in the direction of working to understand each other better. And when you are going in that direction, good things can result.
Let me invite you to shift back through the three obstacles, with an eye for the principles that I stated at the beginning – the longing to be understood and the need to feel safe. See them permeating the three? Seek to develop your awareness of the struggle to satisfy these principles in your relationships and in your heart. How do you see this struggle play out uniquely for you? Have you identified one of the three that is often your go-to approach or weakness? Try sharing about this tendency with a friend. God bless you in your efforts!
I’d love to hear from you your feedback or questions.
If you would like to schedule an appointment with Matt, call 407-647-7005.
Reprint Permission– If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
“Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2012), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005“
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